Old Gal Rules

…or The Annual Waxing Philosophical on my Birthday post.

I was inspired to write this from reading this Daily Spark post this morning.

I was inspired to write this because what he is saying is so very true.

Youth is highly desired and valued in our culture. It is prized over wisdom. Foolish, perhaps, because youth is impulsive and it is vain and it can be superficial. Not enough respect is given to wisdom. Some people go through tremendous, sometimes dangerous lengths to achieve or recapture their youth because they think that doing so will make their problems disappear. But you cannot recapture the past. There are no do-overs in life. You can only move forward and make the most of the time you do have. When you try to capture something you think you lost, you lose out on so many wonderful moments in the here and now.

Today I turn 40. To some people, it’s the end of the world, the end of youth, the end of everything. To me, it’s a new beginning and a time to celebrate. It is not the end of the world to me. But I did not always feel this way. I had to come to terms with and accept it before I could get to this point. It’s also time to get rid of the baggage I still carry.

I have no desire to be twenty again. I did not like myself very much when I was twenty. Most of my life, I have weathered some pretty rotten things. I still carry some of the baggage from that to this day. But having weathered the bad times and the rotten luck has made me into the person I am today.

Yes, I have lines around my eyes. I am proud of those lines. Those lines show the world that in spite of some really bad things I had to go through, I never lost my ability to laugh. Some people would say, “Honey, there is nothing in life that is that funny.” To which I reply, “Then you have no sense of humor.” I pity those people who don’t know how to laugh. For me to apply a cream, or have a doctor inject botulism toxin (which is what Botox is: a toxin) into those crinkles around my eyes is to deny something about myself that I cherish: the ability to laugh, even when things are bad or hopeless.

A moment of digression: I can’t understand why someone would willingly have a toxin injected into their faces to smooth out wrinkles. When I hear the word botulism, which is what the “bo” in Botox stands for, it makes me think of a book I read when I was a kid: Trixie Belden and the Mystery at Maypenny’s. In this story, girl detective Trixie Belden gets embroiled in a mystery involving a furniture company that wants to come into town and wants to locate on a piece of land that partially belongs to Mr. Wheeler and part to Mr. Maypenny. There were mysterious dead ducks showing up in the Wheeler’s game preserve. The ducks died of botulism. So when I hear the word Botox, I wonder why someone would willingly inject into their faces a substance that can kill animals, so they can look younger.

Anyway…

The phrase “age is but a number” is a cliché, but it is so very true. Forty does not mean the end of fun. I fully intend on enjoying life. I don’t feel old, either. To lose the ability to have fun is the end of everything to me. The day I stop laughing, the day I stop having fun, is the day I die. I don’t want to be like my parents. When they were in their forties, they were old. They acted old. They forgot how to have fun. That being said, my definition of “fun” has changed since I was younger. No longer is it fun to get absolutely hammered and wake up feeling like I just crawled out of a sewer while the little person who has taken up residence in my head is screaming in my ear and won’t stop.

Today, at 40, I feel much better physically than I did at 20. Mentally, too. I am in much better shape than I was at 20. I’m a lot happier and I have more confidence in myself. And this feeling is why I log my food every day. This feeling is why I go online to look at restaurant menus and plan what I am going to order when I go out to eat. This feeling is why I pack my own lunch every day instead of eating out of the vending machine at work. This feeling is why I make myself go to the gym when I don’t feel like it. This feeling is why I make myself pop Biggest Loser Boot Camp into my DVD player when I don’t feel like going to the gym and know I still have to exercise. This feeling is why work my ass off at the gym or at home to burn calories. This feeling is why I do the work instead of taking the easy way out.

I have become comfortable in my own skin now. This is something that can only happen over time and with the wisdom gained through age and dealing with my own issues. No plastic surgery or quick fixes will help you become comfortable in your own skin. Only time and a little sweat equity will accomplish this.

Don’t wish for the past. Cherish the memories, but accept the present. Enjoy and cherish the time you have now. Learn to become comfortable in your own skin. Wear the crinkles around your eyes as badges of honor. Take each experience as a life lesson. Embrace the wisdom you gain each day from those lessons you’ve learned. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Take responsibility for your actions.

And don’t be afraid to face those things you fear most about yourself: The Truth. The Truth hurts sometimes, but you gain the most wisdom when you can face The Truth head on, acknowledge it, and learn from it. When you can do this, then you will be truly set free.

Compilation Albums from the Back In The Day

Before Now That’s What I Call Music Volume 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288 existed, companies such as K-Tel and Sessions presented us with all the greatest hits of the moment we could ever dream of!  Why buy Frampton Comes Alive when you can wait for the K-Tel compilation album to hear Do You Feel Like I Do? Like the compilation CD’s of today, these gems were advertised on television.  Unlike the compilations of today, you had the option to buy it on LP, 8-track, and that new fangled thing called the cassette tape.

Here are a few of those commercials.  Some of these I actually remember.

Disco Fever!

Keep your Saturday Night Fever going all week long with Disco Fever…fever…fever…fever!  Or at least keep it going into Sunday…Sunday…SUNDAY!!!  I know that disco is a much maligned music genre, but the fact that this record album is capable of shooting lasers almost makes me want to buy it.

And for those of you who were not born yet or were too little to remember when Star Wars Episode IV:  A New Hope, or as we called it back in the day, Star Wars, came out, everybody and their Uncle Owen tried to tie it in with things that had absolutely nothing to do with Star Wars to make it look cool and get you to buy it.

K-Tel’s Music Machine

I have tried to stay away from compilation videos of commercials  in favor of the commercial on its own.  I made the exception for this K-Tel album titled “Music Machine”.   After you watch that part, you’ll see why:

Is it just me or does Peter McCann look like a Will Forte character on Saturday night live?

After the Korvette’s commercial, there is a commercial for Sessions Solid Gold, which I think dates from the 1980’s that feature oldies that the oldies station doesn’t play anymore.

Love Songs of the 70s

When picking the songs you wish to put on your compilation album, it’s a good idea to actually listen to the songs in question first to avoid any potentially embarrassing gaffes.

Case in point, The Morning After was the theme from the original 1973 movie The Poseiden Adventure, which was a disaster movie about a cruise ship where everyone died at the end.  Did the people responsible for compiling the songs for this album think this was a song about that morning after post-coital after glow?

Maybe it’s just me, but my idea of romance isn’t giving me the choice between making love or fooling around, either.  But even taking those lyrics in context, the song Do You Want To Make Love is actually a break up song.

And maybe this serves as a powerful aphrodisiac for some people, but songs about animals dying doesn’t trip my trigger at all.  Shannon is about a dead dog and Wildfire is about a horse made of tender vegetation that some unnamed person keeps running and calling to.

K-Tel’s Dumb Ditties

Before Kidz Bop, there was K-Tel’s Dumb Ditties, presented to you by Meatwad’s Dad.   This commercial is very ingrained into my consciousness.

It was so ingrained into my consciousness, I have had the chorus from My Mommy Said Not to Put Beans in My Ears looping in my head since 1977.  Not continuously, but at odd and random times, this ear worm would slither out from under the rock it lived under in the furthest reaches of my grey matter to taunt and torment me until it got bored and crawled back into it’s hiding place.  At times, I thought I may have imagined this commercial, because nobody else remembered it.  Thanks to You Tube, I can feel better knowing that yes, this source of my torment actually existed.

20 Top Hits

As with anything successful, there is always a designer knock-off.   Such is the case with this next compilation.

You’re getting the biggest hits of “today” or 1975 (or is it 1973?  Or perhaps 1974?), but these must have been the studio outtakes because the guy singing Band on the Run in the commercial sure doesn’t sound like Paul McCartney at all.  Greatest hits of today?  The Entertainer was from 1899, if I’m not mistaken.  And isn’t The Lord’s Prayer is an oldie from 30 AD?  And what’s with the disclaimer about “because of low royalties, we can’t name the artists”.  What does that mean?   And they said “original hits”, but are these from the original artists?  I’m starting to feel a little gypped now. Exclusive my aunt’s fanny!!  Caveat emptor, my friend. Caveat emptor.

Happy Halloween

Brett Favre Drinking Game

In honor of Vi-Queens week, I am please to present the Brett Favre Drinking Game.

Not a bad list, but I’m wondering how many drinks you take whenever Brett says it’s “not about getting even” at the press conference.  And I also think if the interception is a Charles Woodson interception, it should be two drinks.

All is fair in love and war and he plays for the other team now.   I hope the Packer’s defense knocks him on his can and Woodson gets a ton of interceptions against him.

GO PACK!

Weird Commercials From Back In The Day-Episode 2

Today on Weird Commercials from Back in the Day, we travel back to the 1970s, the decade that good taste forgot and ten of the most impressionable years of my life.  Being exposed to some of this weirdness has molded me into the warped little monkey I am today.

Ty-D-Bowl

Green screen technology was invented for the sole purpose of showing a grown man boating in my toilet tank.

Links I Like #1

Because the web is such a big place, and because I need something to post between working on the other posts I have in progress, I bring you a new segment I like to call Links I Like.

Today’s Link I Like is Food Network Humor’s related books to the popular children’s book and #1 movie in the country, Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.

The last one is my personal favorite.

Please Won’t You Think of This Poor Woman!

Health care reform is a heated topic these days, with arguments pro and con that run the gamut.  But for those of you who are on the con side of the debate, please consider the plight of this poor woman named “Holly”.

Because of the heartless greed of overpaid insurance company CEO’s, “Holly” must re-use her catheters.

Let me repeat this:  “Holly” must re-use her catheters.

While these out-of-touch corporate heads are jet-setting about in their luxury Gulfstreams and snorting cocaine off of the  buttocks of their nubile and nymph-like 20 year old mistresses, poor Holly must endure the humiliation and drudgery of boiling and re-using her catheters!  While these corporate fat cats can spend endless amounts of money on Botox, breast implants, face lifts, and other frivolous procedures for their wives, poor “Holly” has to deal with urinary tract infections!

Where is the outrage?

When these gun-totin’, tea baggin’ protestors are invoking Hitler and screaming “Socialism” at their Congressmen, where is their outrage over the plight of poor “Holly”?  Isn’t socialism a small price to pay to avoid the devastation and humiliation this poor woman suffers from having to re-use catheters?  Where is the outrage that this once vibrant and outgoing woman has become an anti-social recluse because of her secret shame??

Walk a mile in “Holly’s” shoes once, and I’m sure some tunes will be a-changing.

So please think of this woman when you take your stand on the issue of health care.  The next catheter that is re-used may be yours.

When Middle Aged House Wives have Too Much Time On Their Hands

When middle-aged house wives stop writing crappy fan fiction to make You Tube Videos, this is what happens…

Did she have to use every effect in the program?

The Fallacy That “Skinny” People Don’t Need to Lose Weight

This is a post that I made last spring to a blog I have on Sparkpeople.com.  See, I am about 20 pounds overweight, but by looking at me, you probably couldn’t tell I am.  I struggle with learning to eat properly and making time for exercise between trying to start up a writing career, going to school, knitting, my full time job, and taking care of my house.  I get on the wagon, fall off the wagon, get mad at myself, and then climb right back on it.  I am trying to learn how to stay on the wagon once and for all.

This post was in response to a message board topic by someone who thought that “skinny” people don’t belong on a website like Sparkpeople.com because they don’t need to lose weight.

Replying to a message board post brought me back to my blog to write this.

I have heard on this site, and elsewhere, people remark how they don’t understand how “skinny people” need to be on Sparkpeople to lose weight and some probably even resent that someone who may only have ten pounds to lose is even here at all.

It’s all about perception. And judgments about our motivations and our sincerity.

I am one of those so called “skinny” people.

When I signed up on this site, I was 20 pounds overweight and out of shape. My clothes were just a bit too snug on me. I was not eating what I should be eating. My tummy was flabby. My backside was flat and jiggly. My thighs were like Jell-O. But if you looked at me, you probably could not see that. Looking at me, you probably would wonder where that extra 20 pounds was. At 5′6″, I carry that 20 pounds differently than someone who is only 5′ tall.

You don’t see what I see in the mirror. When I wear certain things, I can hide that extra 20 pounds from the world and nobody needs to know that my thighs rub together when I walk.

I came here because I wanted to live a healthy life. I came here to learn how to eat properly and how to pick myself up when I fall off the wagon. I came here to make the yo-yo stop once and for all. I came here to learn how to get into shape and not be so winded when I walk up a flight of stairs.

We as a society are conditioned to think that only dramatic weight loss is worthy weight loss. Having a 300 pound person lose 100 pounds on the Biggest Loser makes for better TV than a 165 pound person losing 20 pounds. Showing before and after pictures of someone losing 50 pounds probably sells more Jenny Craig memberships or Nutrisystem food deliveries or infomercial workout DVD’s than someone else losing only 15 pounds.

I am not vain because I want to lose weight. I am not shallow because I want to lose weight. I do not have a distorted view of my body because I want to lose weight. My desire to lose weight is not because of an eating disorder. I am no more shallow, vain, or anorexic than the overweight person is lazy, slothful, or has no self control.

I want to be healthy. I want my clothes to fit me better. I want to be in shape. I want to have energy and not be tired all the time. I want to learn ways to eat healthy when I don’t have time to cook regular food.

Isn’t this why we’re all here?

A part of me resents the fact that I am judged by others as “not being fat enough” to lose weight or to be on a website like this. Exercising and eating healthier and understanding what you are putting into your body and what effect it has on you isn’t the exclusive right of those who only have 30 or more pounds to lose.

There was a time in my life where I didn’t have to worry about my weight. But at the age of 39, my metabolism isn’t what it used to be and now I have to work at keeping the extra pounds off of me.

We are all here for the same purpose. It should not matter if someone needs to lose 10 pounds or 100 pounds.

Note:  I am a fan of the Biggest Loser and even with my smaller amount of weight to lose, I find inspriation from the people who are on it, too, and from Bob.  If someone who weighs 300 pounds can make that change in their lives, then what’s my excuse?

At the time I posted this at Spark People, I was almost down to the ten pound mark.  Since I fell off the wagon again, I gained only three back, but that’s not the point.  I fell off and slipped up.  Today, I decided to climb back on the wagon again.

Ten Things We Learn About Men From Romantic Comedies and The Actual Truth

I am probably a traitor to the female of the species because I do not like romantic comedies.

Let me rephrase that.  I do not like the “romantic comedies” that Hollywood churns out because I find them insulting to my intelligence.   I realize that this is “fantasy”, but a lot of people seem to think that this is how romance should be.

This article lists ten things we learn about men from romantic comedies. My husband is a lucky, lucky man because I have never dragged him to see a “rom com” (although the same can’t be said for me because of all the sci fi and action movies I’ve had to sit through).  So here is my take on this list.  This is not man bashing.  Personally, I think this type of movie is a bit insulting to the male of the species.

He’s just not that into you. A true pearl of wisdom. If he doesn’t like to talk on the phone, hang on your every word, and spend every minute of the rest of his life with you after the first minute you meet, he just doesn’t like you AT ALL. Glad we got that one out of the way.

If you need to buy a ticket for the clue bus to see that a guy doesn’t like you, then you are truly an idiot and you deserve to be old and alone and living with lots of cats.

If he’s rich, successful, and good-looking, he probably has a heart of gold. The nicest, most earnest, most loving guys come in the most wonderful packages. You should definitely judge a book by its cover!

If he’s rich, successful, and good looking, he is probably a conceited jerk more in love with himself than he ever will be with you.  He is probably a Type A personality who will treat you just as badly as he treats others around him.

When you are starting a relationship, the first f**k up doesn’t matter. Get caught with your ex? Embarrass him at work? Emasculate him? Say awful things to him in the heat of the moment? He’ll forgive you. It’s just the growing pains of a new relationship.

Depends on how badly you f**k up on this one.  If you commit any of the deeds listed above, then yes, it does matter, and you deserve to be alone and living with lots of cats.

Drunkenness and idiotic behavior usually come before his declaration of love. If you get into a fight with the perfect man you are dating because he screwed up the best thing that ever happened to him, he will get drunk, act like a fool, and then come back to you the next day with a grand apology and a confession of love. Maybe you’ll even get a ring!

If he has to get drunk in order to declare his love for you….RUN!!

He’ll only brings flowers if he’s done something wrong. You can smell a man who has done you wrong 100 feet away. Well…at least you can smell the roses he’s carrying. Beware—if he doesn’t confess, you’ll have to get it out of him.

Well, I’ll give them this one.  I’m lucky if I ever get flowers at all. 

Men often fall in love with their best friends. Even though he thinks you’re not for him…you are. He will finally understand his love for when you take off your glasses and cut your hair, or if you plan on marrying someone else.

Doesn’t falling in love with his best friend mean that he’s gay?  Because if that’s so, then he’s really not that into you.

If he hates you, that really means he loves you. The more you irritate each other, the more the sexual tension will build. Bonus points if you are also clumsy, quirky, or a workaholic. He will find it totally endearing.

There is a romance novel formula of the couple who bicker, get on each others nerves, and verbally spar with each other.  This is nothing but a smokescreen for the fact that they really want to jump each other’s bones.  This is not it.  If he hates you, then he hates you.

Sex is a beautiful, tender, and romantic act. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. He always knows just what he’s doing and will treat you like a princess in bed. Also, after sex he will not fall asleep immediately.

Women sometimes like the hot, nasty, raunchy, sweaty monkey sex, too.  We’re just not allowed to say so, or people will think we are slutty.

His best guy friend(s) is always a doofus. You can spot your man because he’s so much cooler than the immature, idiotic best friend.

Usually if his friends are doofuses (or is it doofi?), he is a big doofus, too.

If you run, hide, move, disconnect your phone, start a new life, he will come after you. No amount of time, distance, or complication can keep him away. If he loves you, he will not stop until he can find you and tell you.

If you run, hide, move, disconnect your phone, start a new life, etc. and he comes after you, he’s a stalker.  Restraining order.   Get one.  You shouldn’t need to buy a ticket to ride the clue bus for this one.