In honor of Vi-Queens week, I am please to present the Brett Favre Drinking Game.

Not a bad list, but I’m wondering how many drinks you take whenever Brett says it’s “not about getting even” at the press conference.  And I also think if the interception is a Charles Woodson interception, it should be two drinks.

All is fair in love and war and he plays for the other team now.   I hope the Packer’s defense knocks him on his can and Woodson gets a ton of interceptions against him.

GO PACK!

Today on Weird Commercials from Back in the Day, we travel back to the 1970s, the decade that good taste forgot and ten of the most impressionable years of my life.  Being exposed to some of this weirdness has molded me into the warped little monkey I am today.

Ty-D-Bowl

Green screen technology was invented for the sole purpose of showing a grown man boating in my toilet tank.

Introducing the Pinto

The line “putting a little kick in your life” is quite the understatement.

My first car was a Pinto.  Granted, this was in 1988, long after they stopped making it.  It wasn’t my choice.  Rather, it was foisted upon me by my parents because they had a friend who wanted to sell it.  I nearly died from the shame of the stigma.

Radio Shack 8-Track Tape Commercial

It’s more than a…CA-CHUNK!…feeling (more than a feeling)…

Kids, that’s what 8 track tapes did.  I am old enough to remember 8 track tapes, but not quite old enough to have actually owned any.   I remember seeing a copy of Def Leppard’s Pyromania on 8-track in my local Ben Franklin in 1983, but the only people I know that had 8-track tapes were people my parent’s age, and their 8-tracks consisted of the entire mellow and depressing singer-songwriter genre of the 1970s, plus Blood, Sweat, and Tears.

Ben-Gay is Warmth

“Rembrandt would be proud of your gladiolas…”

Is it just me, or does that sound vaguely filthy?

Levi’s “Evolution”

Apparently, in the 1970s, wearing Levi’s made you high and dacron polyester is a euphemism for LSD.   Sometime, try sneaking up behind people and whisper the words dacron polyester at them.  It’s fun!

International Ladies Garment Workers Union

If you were alive in the 1970s, then you remember this commercial.  You remember the song, too.  If only we had heeded the dulcet song stylings of the International Ladies Garment Workers Union, we would be buying clothes made by little old ladies and nerdy guys instead of foreign children in sweatshops!

I have to say that the lady in the beginning of the ad is the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.   Check out the cameo by Bizarre Records alum, Joyce!

“Aviance” by Prince Matchabeli

Oh, if only real life worked like this commercial for Aviance perfume.  If only after a day of cleaning up dog hurl, waiting for your two year old to pass the rainbow assortment of Lite Brite pegs he swallowed this morning, and having some bitch in curlers and a muu-muu swipe the last ham right out of your shopping cart, the mere act of blasting perfume in your face would give you the energy for an entire night of 1970s style, polyester pantsuited loving!

Parkay

This ad is one of  a very famous ad series from the 1970s.  The actor, Vic Tayback, was also famous for playing Mel in the TV show Alice. In grade school, when someone tried to cut in line, the rest of us would say to them accusingly, “Butter!”  Of course, if the person doing the cutting was a smart ass, they would just reply “Parkay!”

Whisk-”Ring Around The Collar”

This ad was part of another very famous ad campaign from the 1970s.  Buy Whisk detergent and you can avoid having your shirts mock you relentlessly over the fact that you don’t wash your neck.

And finally…

Sharp Calculators

Sharp brags that this is the world’s smallest electronic calculator with a price tag to match.  If I’m going to pay $345 for a calculator, it had better do windows.  I’m guessing it runs on size D batteries, too.

Because the web is such a big place, and because I need something to post between working on the other posts I have in progress, I bring you a new segment I like to call Links I Like.

Today’s Link I Like is Food Network Humor’s related books to the popular children’s book and #1 movie in the country, Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.

The last one is my personal favorite.

Health care reform is a heated topic these days, with arguments pro and con that run the gamut.  But for those of you who are on the con side of the debate, please consider the plight of this poor woman named “Holly”.

Because of the heartless greed of overpaid insurance company CEO’s, “Holly” must re-use her catheters.

Let me repeat this:  “Holly” must re-use her catheters.

While these out-of-touch corporate heads are jet-setting about in their luxury Gulfstreams and snorting cocaine off of the  buttocks of their nubile and nymph-like 20 year old mistresses, poor Holly must endure the humiliation and drudgery of boiling and re-using her catheters!  While these corporate fat cats can spend endless amounts of money on Botox, breast implants, face lifts, and other frivolous procedures for their wives, poor “Holly” has to deal with urinary tract infections!

Where is the outrage?

When these gun-totin’, tea baggin’ protestors are invoking Hitler and screaming “Socialism” at their Congressmen, where is their outrage over the plight of poor “Holly”?  Isn’t socialism a small price to pay to avoid the devastation and humiliation this poor woman suffers from having to re-use catheters?  Where is the outrage that this once vibrant and outgoing woman has become an anti-social recluse because of her secret shame??

Walk a mile in “Holly’s” shoes once, and I’m sure some tunes will be a-changing.

So please think of this woman when you take your stand on the issue of health care.  The next catheter that is re-used may be yours.

When middle-aged house wives stop writing crappy fan fiction to make You Tube Videos, this is what happens…

Did she have to use every effect in the program?

This is a post that I made last spring to a blog I have on Sparkpeople.com.  See, I am about 20 pounds overweight, but by looking at me, you probably couldn’t tell I am.  I struggle with learning to eat properly and making time for exercise between trying to start up a writing career, going to school, knitting, my full time job, and taking care of my house.  I get on the wagon, fall off the wagon, get mad at myself, and then climb right back on it.  I am trying to learn how to stay on the wagon once and for all.

This post was in response to a message board topic by someone who thought that “skinny” people don’t belong on a website like Sparkpeople.com because they don’t need to lose weight.

Replying to a message board post brought me back to my blog to write this.

I have heard on this site, and elsewhere, people remark how they don’t understand how “skinny people” need to be on Sparkpeople to lose weight and some probably even resent that someone who may only have ten pounds to lose is even here at all.

It’s all about perception. And judgments about our motivations and our sincerity.

I am one of those so called “skinny” people.

When I signed up on this site, I was 20 pounds overweight and out of shape. My clothes were just a bit too snug on me. I was not eating what I should be eating. My tummy was flabby. My backside was flat and jiggly. My thighs were like Jell-O. But if you looked at me, you probably could not see that. Looking at me, you probably would wonder where that extra 20 pounds was. At 5′6″, I carry that 20 pounds differently than someone who is only 5′ tall.

You don’t see what I see in the mirror. When I wear certain things, I can hide that extra 20 pounds from the world and nobody needs to know that my thighs rub together when I walk.

I came here because I wanted to live a healthy life. I came here to learn how to eat properly and how to pick myself up when I fall off the wagon. I came here to make the yo-yo stop once and for all. I came here to learn how to get into shape and not be so winded when I walk up a flight of stairs.

We as a society are conditioned to think that only dramatic weight loss is worthy weight loss. Having a 300 pound person lose 100 pounds on the Biggest Loser makes for better TV than a 165 pound person losing 20 pounds. Showing before and after pictures of someone losing 50 pounds probably sells more Jenny Craig memberships or Nutrisystem food deliveries or infomercial workout DVD’s than someone else losing only 15 pounds.

I am not vain because I want to lose weight. I am not shallow because I want to lose weight. I do not have a distorted view of my body because I want to lose weight. My desire to lose weight is not because of an eating disorder. I am no more shallow, vain, or anorexic than the overweight person is lazy, slothful, or has no self control.

I want to be healthy. I want my clothes to fit me better. I want to be in shape. I want to have energy and not be tired all the time. I want to learn ways to eat healthy when I don’t have time to cook regular food.

Isn’t this why we’re all here?

A part of me resents the fact that I am judged by others as “not being fat enough” to lose weight or to be on a website like this. Exercising and eating healthier and understanding what you are putting into your body and what effect it has on you isn’t the exclusive right of those who only have 30 or more pounds to lose.

There was a time in my life where I didn’t have to worry about my weight. But at the age of 39, my metabolism isn’t what it used to be and now I have to work at keeping the extra pounds off of me.

We are all here for the same purpose. It should not matter if someone needs to lose 10 pounds or 100 pounds.

Note:  I am a fan of the Biggest Loser and even with my smaller amount of weight to lose, I find inspriation from the people who are on it, too, and from Bob.  If someone who weighs 300 pounds can make that change in their lives, then what’s my excuse?

At the time I posted this at Spark People, I was almost down to the ten pound mark.  Since I fell off the wagon again, I gained only three back, but that’s not the point.  I fell off and slipped up.  Today, I decided to climb back on the wagon again.

I am probably a traitor to the female of the species because I do not like romantic comedies.

Let me rephrase that.  I do not like the “romantic comedies” that Hollywood churns out because I find them insulting to my intelligence.   I realize that this is “fantasy”, but a lot of people seem to think that this is how romance should be.

This article lists ten things we learn about men from romantic comedies. My husband is a lucky, lucky man because I have never dragged him to see a “rom com” (although the same can’t be said for me because of all the sci fi and action movies I’ve had to sit through).  So here is my take on this list.  This is not man bashing.  Personally, I think this type of movie is a bit insulting to the male of the species.

He’s just not that into you. A true pearl of wisdom. If he doesn’t like to talk on the phone, hang on your every word, and spend every minute of the rest of his life with you after the first minute you meet, he just doesn’t like you AT ALL. Glad we got that one out of the way.

If you need to buy a ticket for the clue bus to see that a guy doesn’t like you, then you are truly an idiot and you deserve to be old and alone and living with lots of cats.

If he’s rich, successful, and good-looking, he probably has a heart of gold. The nicest, most earnest, most loving guys come in the most wonderful packages. You should definitely judge a book by its cover!

If he’s rich, successful, and good looking, he is probably a conceited jerk more in love with himself than he ever will be with you.  He is probably a Type A personality who will treat you just as badly as he treats others around him.

When you are starting a relationship, the first f**k up doesn’t matter. Get caught with your ex? Embarrass him at work? Emasculate him? Say awful things to him in the heat of the moment? He’ll forgive you. It’s just the growing pains of a new relationship.

Depends on how badly you f**k up on this one.  If you commit any of the deeds listed above, then yes, it does matter, and you deserve to be alone and living with lots of cats.

Drunkenness and idiotic behavior usually come before his declaration of love. If you get into a fight with the perfect man you are dating because he screwed up the best thing that ever happened to him, he will get drunk, act like a fool, and then come back to you the next day with a grand apology and a confession of love. Maybe you’ll even get a ring!

If he has to get drunk in order to declare his love for you….RUN!!

He’ll only brings flowers if he’s done something wrong. You can smell a man who has done you wrong 100 feet away. Well…at least you can smell the roses he’s carrying. Beware—if he doesn’t confess, you’ll have to get it out of him.

Well, I’ll give them this one.  I’m lucky if I ever get flowers at all. 

Men often fall in love with their best friends. Even though he thinks you’re not for him…you are. He will finally understand his love for when you take off your glasses and cut your hair, or if you plan on marrying someone else.

Doesn’t falling in love with his best friend mean that he’s gay?  Because if that’s so, then he’s really not that into you.

If he hates you, that really means he loves you. The more you irritate each other, the more the sexual tension will build. Bonus points if you are also clumsy, quirky, or a workaholic. He will find it totally endearing.

There is a romance novel formula of the couple who bicker, get on each others nerves, and verbally spar with each other.  This is nothing but a smokescreen for the fact that they really want to jump each other’s bones.  This is not it.  If he hates you, then he hates you.

Sex is a beautiful, tender, and romantic act. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. He always knows just what he’s doing and will treat you like a princess in bed. Also, after sex he will not fall asleep immediately.

Women sometimes like the hot, nasty, raunchy, sweaty monkey sex, too.  We’re just not allowed to say so, or people will think we are slutty.

His best guy friend(s) is always a doofus. You can spot your man because he’s so much cooler than the immature, idiotic best friend.

Usually if his friends are doofuses (or is it doofi?), he is a big doofus, too.

If you run, hide, move, disconnect your phone, start a new life, he will come after you. No amount of time, distance, or complication can keep him away. If he loves you, he will not stop until he can find you and tell you.

If you run, hide, move, disconnect your phone, start a new life, etc. and he comes after you, he’s a stalker.  Restraining order.   Get one.  You shouldn’t need to buy a ticket to ride the clue bus for this one.

Dear Food Network,

I don’t know how to tell you this, but I have found another cooking channel.

I think I first had an inkling our relationship was in trouble when you gave me the American version of Iron Chef and it lacked the charm of the Japanese version.  I knew our relationship was hitting the skids when you started requiring your personalities to have not one show, but two, and the second show really showed how thin you were stretching the premise!  And I became uneasy when one by one when you started replacing your real chefs with personalities and reality show contestants who have little to no authority in the kitchen.  But the last straw was when you got rid of Emeril, who was both a personality and has authority in a kitchen.

My new TV cooking love, you see, may not be flashy and  may not be hawking overpriced cookware, but they are solid and dependable and honest and I know that I can always count on them to teach me to cook real dishes, give honest recommendations on ingredients and cookware, and not skimping on the food to spend more time and money creating tacky table settings with Dollar Store objet d’art.

Create is everything you used to be and everything I want in a cooking channel.   Create actually has a culinary point of view, which is the food.   Plus they seem to have the craft shows that your sister HGTV used to have, too.   In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been hanging out much with your sister these days, too.  Sometimes I hang out with your other sister, FLN, which seems to get all your sloppy seconds.  I don’t think that’s a very nice way to treat your sister now, is it?

Food Network, I am returning your Ten Dollar Dinners, your Chopped, and your Chef vs. City, but I will keep Brian Boitano and Good Eats because they are the few things still worth watching on your channel and I hope we can still be friends.   Maybe someday, you will realize that it’s not the best to try and be like someone else and perhaps you can get back to remembering why I fell in love with you in the first place.

Love,
msannomalley

Welcome to the first installment of “Weird Ads from Back in the Day”, where I give you some weird old ads I found on You Tube.  Today’s episode is all about some odd ads from the 1960s.  I was born in 1970, so kids, I am just as baffled as you are.

The first ad is on old ad for General Mills “Country Corn Flakes” which feature some very odd mutant farm animals, the couple from the American Gothic painting begging you to please buy their cornflakes, and arguably the hookiest jingle ever.

Our next ad for Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head isn’t weird.  But if your parents or grandparents ever told you that in their day, Mr. Potato Head was a real potato, they weren’t kidding.  In my day, Mr. Potato Head was the plastic toy we all know and love.

This next ad is for a contraption called the “Swing Wing”.   A more appropriate name for this would be the Whiplash Master 5000.   Years later, people would be doing this same motion at heavy metal concerts, only without the aid of a dorky looking beanie.

In spite of the Civil Rights Movement and the Civil Rights Act being passed in the 1960s, blatant racism was a-ok in TV commercials.    Watch this and cringe.

I’m not sure how a screeching howler monkey taunting this lion would get me to buy this cereal.   And are they on a fire base in ‘Nam?

It’s a Sloppy-a-Joe-Go!  Features a lame attempt at forcing a dance craze and some slang into the vernacular of the day.

And finally, if you’re a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000, here is the origin of the “I thought you were Dale” riff.  Mrs. Burke is the original cougar.