Like herpes, bad pop songs are the gift that keeps on giving.
Some say that sex is a beautiful, sacred expression of love between two committed and consenting adults. Others say that sex is for pure pleasure. Today, we delve into the musical equivalent of a cold shower. Prepared to feel icky.
“Chevy Van” by Sammy Johns
Sammy Johns, I’d like you to meet a good friend of mine. Sammy, This is Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. Chris, Sammy Johns. Why don’t you have a seat over there?
In my day, sexual predators didn’t frequent chat rooms or social networking sites. No, they drove around in vans, going past the parks and the playgrounds and even the schools. Patch the Pony warned us to stay away from strangers. Our parents warned us to stay away from strange, creepy men who drove in vans.
And speaking of jail bait…
“Young Girl” by Gary Puckett & the Union Gap
Every time a Baby Boomer likes to say the music from the 1960s was so much more clean and innocent than the music of my generation or the music of today, I like to point out this song. Enacting this song for TV just makes you yearn for a hot shower to wash off the layer of ick that accumulates on your skin.
“Afternoon Delight”-Starland Vocal Band
This song was very popular when I was six years old and I have vague childhood memories of hearing it played on the radio all the time. Being the young and innocent kindergartener I was at the time, I thought they were singing about going camping. Of course, I know better now. Part of me still longs for that innocence whenever I hear the opening notes to this song.
This is probably the blandest, whitest, and totally NOT sexy ode to the quickie ever written. It also has the worst reference to oral sex ever penned.
Started out this morning feeling so polite
I always though a fish could not be caught who wouldn’t bite
But you’ve got some bait a waitin’ and I think I might try nibbling
a little afternoon delight.
I don’t know about you, but if the guy I was with thought that comparing my lady parts to fish bait was a complement, I’d be insulted.
And I’d be booking an appointment to see my gynecologist ASAP.
The 1970s was a very weird time where songs about rodent sex passed off as entertainment and was considered appropriate to play for dignitaries and heads of state. At the White House no less.
“You’re Having My Baby”
When one is not careful, nor takes the necessary precautions, the stork might bless you with a little bundle of joy. This song is anything but joyful.
If this song doesn’t cause you to feel nauseous, then you have no soul. If you think this is a lovely song, then you have zero taste in music. Consider these lyrics:
Didn’t have to keep it
Wouldn’t put you through it
You could have swept it from your life
But you wouldn’t do it
Regardless of what side of the debate you are on, I think we can all agree that these are some very tasteless lyrics. I think I just threw up in my mouth. The Childless by Choice people just need to point to this song and they have won their argument.
Meatloaf-“Paradise by the Dashboard Light”
I am going to catch hell for putting this one on my list, but I don’t care. My dislike of this song stems from seeing too many drunken white people attempting to dance to it. It also stems from my fourteen year old self having to watch this sweaty fat dude in 1970s clothes singing about awkward adolescent car sex for eight and a half minutes while waiting for MTV to play a Duran Duran video. When MTV didn’t have enough videos to fill in those 24 hours, they dug into the dusty, cobwebbed recesses of the clip closet for whatever they could find.
“Morning Desire”–Kenny Rogers
Pre-plastic surgery Kenny Rogers singing about his raging case of morning wood. Kenny Rogers and “morning wood” is not a mental image I ever wished to have seared into my brain.
Agree? Disagree? Did I forget something? Leave your thoughts in the comments. All decades are fair game. Who knows? I may end up doing a “Cold Shower Edition, Volume 2” in the future.